urn:lj:livejournal.com:atom1:clown_act And i'm the clown... clown_act 2007-04-12T17:38:35Z urn:lj:livejournal.com:atom1:clown_act:52855 2007-04-12T17:38:35Z 2007-04-12T17:38:35Z <i><a name="cutid1"></a><div class="ljcut" text="a rant and a rumble..."><i>do you ever just get the urge to scream at everyone "i have a fucking problem (lists problems) please just let me get on with them and leave me the fuck alone. let me have my problems. let me starve myself and screw my insides up. let me rip into my skin and enjoy the flow of red against the hot burning flesh. just let me be and i will be happy. it only hurts you because i think it's a problem, because it is not normal. it is not what you would consider normal. well let me tell you, i am not normal. i can't remember what normal is because, well, i've been at this for atleast the last 5 years. and no, no i haven't got anywhere, i am not emaciated, i have not had to have stitches. but i still cannot remember.still cannot remember."<br /><br />i'm in such a random mood. a horrible low mood. but i'm going swimming in 30mins so all will be good, we are going to do 40lenths and they said that 50lengths is one mile. and i burnt off 300cals this mornign at the gym. but i've binged on ice-cream...because i'm a stupid fool thats why. <br /><br />tomorrow will be ace though...i'm at work at 10, and i'm going swimming before, and then at work at 6 having only finished at 5, and then i'm going out round town in my new outfit that i have to look ace in. it's matt's birthday and kate will be there. and no, the outfit must'nt look ace to make anyone jealous, it's there to gove me confidence, if i look good i will feel better because i can see me turning into the green eyed monster...i bought him a little badge though saying 21-buy me a drink on it...just as a joke.<br /><br />last night was awful. terrible. i woke up this morning at 7:50 and had to go in the shower in my t-shirt and knickers. stupid fucking period (sorry tmi i know) but it's horrible. i just want to lose this horrible weight and get amenoreah. i got up this mornign and nearly collapsed on the way to the bathroom...and i'd got up quite slowly too...i was like this when mum was away and i was on...it's horrible...yack!<br /><br />ugh i feel horrible, greasy, fat, huge, uncomfortable. i hate myself. i want to cut my arms, the upper par of my arms. i have some nice scars on them and want to cut into them again. you can really go wuite deep with them...with that part of your arm...but mum would see and there'd be no excuse now the cats out of the bag...<br /><br />hips, stomach and chest just aren't the same. everyone always notcies too. i wonder if matt will notice on saturday...i've recently cut my chest, across my breasts....i just had urges to...<br /><br />ugh....<br /><br />i just hate all of this.<br /><br />everything will be better when i get out of here and lose the weight. i can't believe i don't get to move away this year. i doubt i'll last the summer. i think i'll end up moving in with evette. she will control but not as much. it's like i said to matt before "yey, i've just asked mum and she says i can go swimming tonight" and he was like "you have to ask your mum?" and i said "hmmmmm...yeah...she freaks out if i do too much exercise a day" cos i'd just been to the gym...i mean i''m 18 i should be allowed to do as much exercise i like...<br /><br />but oh well. nevermind hey....<br /><br />ok, going to go and get ready for swimming...i've been on the computer for 6hours, 39mins and only just getting a headache!</i></div></i> urn:lj:livejournal.com:atom1:clown_act:48952 2007-03-28T23:18:05Z 2007-03-28T23:18:05Z so today i found out that one of my friends has been looking sad lately because her 14 year old brother tried to commit suicide the other day and has been in hospital for the last few days.<br /><br />i'm still in shock. i feel so sorry for Vicky and her family. this is not something i would wish on anyone...<br /><br />so that kind of brought up old shiz about jenni and i...she was a year older and tried to commit suicide a number of times...anyway, yeah...i was just walking round the art block in a compelete daze after this information..<br /><br />it's horrible<br /><br />so that would explain my last post...<br /><br />and then as i was going to dancing my piano teacher walked up my drive and nicely told me that i've failed my grade 6 piano exam for the second time...<br /><br />i may as well just write failure on my head...so i took a picture to prove it...i have two pieces if paper now from the same grade exam saying that i'm a failure, which is funny because it's one for each hand...and when i was learning to walk i couldn't balance myself unless i had something in each hand...i guess this is to balance me out too...<br /><br />ok so today i did crap eating-wise after saying that i'd water fast:<br /><br />*100ml oat milk (35)<br />*3 pieces of bourneville (110)<br />*soup and beans (100)<br />* cream egg (174)<br />*bread(100)<br /><br />Shameful total = 419<br /><br />hmmm...not as bad as i'd thought but terrible nonetheless...good job i went swimming and my dance class and did my sit-ups<br /><br /><img src="file:///C:/DOCUME~1/PCIEXP~1/LOCALS~1/Temp/moz-screenshot.jpg" alt="" />well yeah...<br /><br />tomorrow will not be having anything...<br /><br />hopefully urn:lj:livejournal.com:atom1:clown_act:31391 2007-01-03T17:07:06Z 2007-01-03T17:07:06Z haha...all laugh with me now...you really must when you read my awful spellings and punctuations!<br /><br />i apologise...we have bad lighting in our house and well, i don't really watch what i'm typing...my fingers just dance across the keyboard and letters are printed out...<br /><br />i'm actually fairly smart...i've always had good grades...i'm just no good on computers and well, i'm dyselxic so who can blame me!!!!!!!!!!!!! urn:lj:livejournal.com:atom1:clown_act:22830 2006-12-11T18:32:33Z 2006-12-11T18:32:33Z <a name="cutid1"></a><table width="402" cellspacing="0" cellpadding="1" border="0"><tbody><tr><td bgcolor="green" align="center"><font face="Arial" color="white">Xmas Stocking</font></td></tr><tr><td bgcolor="green"><table width="400" cellspacing="0" cellpadding="0" border="0"><tbody><tr><td bgcolor="white"><table width="400" cellspacing="0" cellpadding="0" border="0"><tbody><tr><td><img alt="" src="http://xmas.combatcards.net/images/top.gif" /></td></tr><tr><td><img alt="" src="http://xmas.combatcards.net/images/13/13875.gif" /></td></tr><tr><td><img alt="" src="http://xmas.combatcards.net/images/bottom.gif" /></td></tr><tr><td bgcolor="red" align="center"><font face="Arial" color="white">leave a gift for clown_act</font></td></tr><tr><td bgcolor="green" align="left"><font face="Arial" color="white"></font><form method="post" action="http://xmas.combatcards.net/addgift.php"><font face="Arial" color="white"><input type="hidden" name="user_uid" value="13875" />your username: <input type="text" name="username" maxlength="30" size="20" /><br />your gift: <input type="text" name="gift" maxlength="30" size="25" /> <font size="1">(30 characters or less)</font><br /></font></form></td></tr><tr><td bgcolor="green" align="center"><font face="Arial" color="white">&lt;input ... &gt;<br /></font></td></tr><tr><td bgcolor="red" align="center"><a href="http://xmas.combatcards.net/createstocking.php?parent_uid=13875"><font face="Arial" color="white">get your stocking</font></a></td></tr><tr><td bgcolor="red" align="center"><a href="http://www.snoglondon.com" title="sponsor"><img width="400" height="1" border="0" src="http://xmas.combatcards.net/images/sl.gif" alt="dating website" /></a></td></tr></tbody></table></td></tr></tbody></table></td></tr></tbody></table> urn:lj:livejournal.com:atom1:clown_act:20350 2006-11-28T22:44:37Z 2006-11-28T22:44:37Z <br /><br />"<i>STAND outside any psychiatric ward and you will find the markers of madness. They lie in no particular order, and convey no messgae, except a kind of covering up. Fag ends for forgetting. Maybe the drugs dispensed inside spur nicotine craving or maybe cigarettes are the only solace when society turns away. Whatever, butts are the carpet the mentally ill stan upon. They build up in unlovely piles with a smell that suggests dispair..."</i><br /><br /><br /><br /><br /><br /><br /><br /><br />I think i've relapsed AGAIN. A-FUCKING-GAIN.<br /><br />When will I learn? urn:lj:livejournal.com:atom1:clown_act:12842 2006-11-07T16:35:35Z 2006-11-07T16:35:35Z ... it has to be said...i think i've found the BEST marshmallows ever...they're from wilikinsons and are only 3 cals each! chuffed to bits! and they're shaped as snowmen and christmas trees which doesn't ineteres me at all seen as i HATE christmas but they add a little extra fun to eating them. urn:lj:livejournal.com:atom1:clown_act:8084 2006-10-04T08:10:22Z 2006-10-04T08:10:22Z ok so now i'm worried, i'm meant to have my driving lesson at 8:30...it's now 09:10 and my instructor still isn't here. i've tried ringing her, texting her...nothing. i'm worried because i have my test tomorrow and really need my 2 hour lesson before hand. oh she's making me really nervous now...her phone is switched off!<br /><br />don't panic. this will not happen tomorrow.<br /><br />today has to go ok in everything. it will. it will.<br /><br />it has too. urn:lj:livejournal.com:atom1:clown_act:4274 2006-08-30T09:44:08Z 2006-08-30T09:44:08Z ok if anyone does read my last post and gets a little confused...i'm not insane...well maybe a little... i was just having arguments with myself inside my head and wrote down bits of them...<br /><br />i do that...argue with myself...just thought i'd explain the randomness of the entry thats all...